People I Dislike on Campus

As the semester begins, and I find myself around multitudes of college students, I begin to realize those I am disgruntled with. Really, I do like most people on campus, but talking about them wouldn't be any fun, would it? There are those who continuously do annoying things, and this is the day they are called out via Erin's blog. I now send out a disclaimer that if you are one of them, you should probably change your ways because I really don't want to be friends with you. (Just kidding) I've decided to compile the top ten campus offenders on this very blog. These are in no particular order, because if you do fall into one of these groups, I don't want to show the level of malice I hold towards you. Please, look out for these people on a campus near you:

#1- The Longboarders

Really, I know it's extremely difficult and inconvenient to walk to class and all, but I sometimes want to stick my foot out and stop the longboarders in their paths. Why? Because it seems that they find it necessary to show their unparalleled longboarding skills that nobody cares about, and do so by weaving in and out of us lowly walkers. Apparently it's bonus longboarding skill points if you can get as close to said walker while weaving as possible, even though it's not necessary. I know that it's truly primitive of us to walk to class, but don't get mad when you have to slow down your pseudo-California lifestyle for a moment while we put one foot in front of the other. Today was witness to a longboarder screaming "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! WATCH OUT! COMING THROUGH!" as nearly hit each person he was passing. I say we either establish a campus-wide ban on longboarders, or give them their own especially bumpy sidewalks so they will occasionally fall which will commence pedestrian laughter.

#2-The Faux Leaver

Because the University of South Florida has fifty thousand students and seventeen parking spots, it can sometimes be quite competitive to acquire a parking spot. Darwinist theories of "survival of the fittest" becomes a reality as only the keen eyed and malicious make it to class on time. This brings my hatred for this next group of people who are the "Faux Leaver". It is customary that as somebody walks out to their car to leave, that about thirteen other cars begin to stalk them in hopes that they will be the one to get a parking spot. The worst kind of person is a person who doesn't signal that they are not in fact leaving campus. While other people are grabbing spots that you could be fighting for, this person is taking your attention, while they have no real intention of leaving campus. And so, they take out their keys, and put folders in their car....then cease to get in their car in leave. They then have the audacity to generally look at you like you are crazy or creepy for sitting there waiting for them. WHY? Do you like the attention? Do you enjoy ruining people's lives? Do you not have the motor skills to signal that you are not leaving? Are you just that oblivious? The Faux Leaver has been categorized in my book a horrible and inconsiderate person, and they too should be banned from campus.

#3-The Obnoxiously Loud Headphone Listener

This person is definitely a library culprit. This is the person who has a laptop, and sits in a practically silent library and somehow doesn't realize that every person on the entire floor can hear their blaring headphones. Why do you think it's a good idea to use the maximum volume while using your headphones? Is the source of the sound not shoved into your ear? Furthermore, why even use headphones? Assuredly, these will be the same people asking the professor to repeat something in class because they are suffering from early-onset deafness. (Refer to number 5) If I can hear what you're listening to through my headphones, it's probably too loud. Really, nobody wants to hear your Young Jeezy club remix anyway. Disposal of headphones or campus banning is a good resolution to this issue.

#4-The Club Recruiter

Now, I know this probably isn't their fault, because these clubs can only thrive if they acquire a cult-like following, but it doesn't take away from how annoying it is. The fact that USF brags that they have over 500 clubs is genuinely not a good thing. Why? Because clubs equal club recruiting the first few weeks of the semester. I think I've been offered enough pamphlets to annihilate an entire rain forest. Soon my polite, "No, I would not like to join your save the cows from brutal butchering club (whose pamphlets and signs are complete with appetite suppressing pictures of dismembered livestock) Thanks." Will turn to, "I'VE JUST BEEN FOOLED BY FOUR FAUX LEAVERS (refer to number 2), I'M TWENTY MINUTES LATE FOR CLASS, AND YOUR CLUB IS A JOKE...WHAT DO YOU WANT????" If I want to join a club, I'm going to go look for it. No need to follow me with your free pens and florescent colored handouts. The ones who give out free bagels in the morning are the exception, however. I think that clubs should only be able to recruit those who are already in clubs. The club civil war would be nothing short of entertaining.

#5-The Incessant Question Asker

The incessant question asker is that person who sits in class for what seems to be no other reason than to ask stupid questions. There's a few reasons the incessant question asker asks these questions and we will review these reasons so that you know how to better deal with an incessant question asker. The first reason they will continually ask questions is that they ironically like to try and prove how smart they are by asking the said question, when in reality they sound like a pretentious moron. Usually it will be repeating what the professor has just said, but in a different way, because they like to seem intelligent and like an out-of-the-box thinker, or it will be by stating some irrelevant factual correlation to the subject so they seem to be an expert on the subject, when in fact they are just wasting everybody's time. For instance, if the professor says, "Diego Valezquez was a Spanish Baroque Painter," The incessant question asker will say something to the affect of, "So what you're saying is that Diego Valezquez painted ornately, with bright hues and idealistic representations of humanity?????" or "I know that Diego Valezquez studied in Italy as a child. This probably had an affect on his choice of style, right????" Nobody cares how smart you are, and nobody is impressed by your apparent knowledge in the form of manipulated questions. Why don't you just go on Jeopardy, where all trivia answers are in the form of a question? The second reason incessant question askers will ask questions incessantly is because they really are that dumb. This becomes quite prevalent in math classes--and usually when everybody continually gets the concept with the exception of that incessant question asker. These people are the worst in classes that would otherwise be let out early, and when the professor has office hour tutoring. The third reason a person becomes an incessant question asker is because they are apparently deaf, or really just are distracted by other things such as texting (See Number 6), and decide to ask the professor to repeat the concept they just missed by choosing to momentarily live in their own little world. Because I'm guilty myself, I do not have a problem with people who don't listen in class. I do however have a problem with those that don't listen, then decide it's their God-given right to have their own personal showing of the day's lecture because they were too lazy to listen the first time. Beware of Incessant question askers in classes with teachers who enable them because they enjoy going on tangents, and classes that possess more than one incessant question asker, where you will proceed to get nothing done the entire semester. Duct tape over the mouth, or campus banishment are perfect solutions to the incessant question asker epidemic.

#6-The I Have to Text Someone Every 2.3 Seconds

I understand that this is a texting generation, but this is getting out of control. The I have to text someone every 2.3 seconds is becoming more and more prevalent on college campuses everywhere. I like to text as much as the next person, but when people's texts add up to be longer than Obama's health care reform bill in one day of texting, this becomes a problem. With the Longboarders (Refer to number one) whirling about, and people constantly with their heads down texting, it's a wonder anybody gets to class alive. They are also guilty of letting doors slam in your face, walking in front of cars, and answering tests with text lingo such as, "omg the revolutionary war waz gr8! LOL." The I have to text someone every 2.3 seconds does not cease to text while in class, in the bathroom, walking up the stairs, or in the library. They too are a library culprit along with the obnoxiously loud headphone listener (refer to number 3). Most of these I have to text someone every 2.3 seconds sit in the library with their phones on vibrate, and instead of keeping it in their pocket or bag, must place it on the table, so the entire library can hear how popular they are with the ungodly amount of texts they receive. Between these 2.3 seconds they are usually doing things such as checking their phone just to make sure they didn't miss a text, even though their phone vibrating tops out at about 4,000 decibels and can be heard by everyone. Their ignorance to the annoyance of their vibrations is almost as impressive as their finger speed, which must top out at about 80 words per minute. At one text every 2.3 seconds, that's a lot of words. The I have to text someone every 2.3 seconds is generally a relational offender (Refer to #8) who can't be separated from their significant other for more than...well, 2.3 seconds, as well as an incessant question asker (Refer to #5)

#7-The Mass Emailer

The mass emailer is that person who chooses to send the entire class an email for every question or concern they have. Mass emailers can be highly correlated to incessant question askers (refer to number four) because they can't even contain their question asking inside of the classroom, or are generally people who miss class and instead of asking one person for the notes they missed the last class, they must email everybody in the class with a glimmering hope that someone will send them via email so they don't have to copy them down themselves. If you're in a bind, I understand. Go ahead and mass email. Otherwise, stop annoying everybody by emailing the entire class every time you're absent (which the mass emailers generally average about 15-25% attendance) Mass Emailers tend to mass email about things that are already answered in the syllabus, things you can find on google, or Here's a few examples of the mass emails I received last semester:

*Was anybody as floored about their grade on the exam that I was??
*Hey, I've been absent a lot. Can someone email me their journal?
*Does anybody know when our paper is due?
*What inch margins are used for MLA papers?

Please mass emailers, stop the madness. Revoking email is a great solution to the mass emailer problem.

#8-The Inseparable Couple

The inseparable couple is that couple that just can't seem to be separated. They must hold hands at all times, and public displays of affection are par for the course. If you are walking towards them in a small hallway, and they are clasped hand in hand, get ready to be clothes-lined, because hand separation is not an option. Longboard (Refer to number one) and inseparable couple encounters can be a very dangerous happening for both parties. The inseparable couple will switch majors just so they have all the same classes, and if the (God forbid) event occurs that they don't have the same class, they walk hand in hand together to (usually) the females class, where they embrace for as long as possible, like one of them is going off to war or something. During this embrace they usually have faces of anguish because they must tear themselves away from each other, even though their practice of I have to text someone every 2.3 seconds (refer to number six) will truly come into play during this class, as they retain constant textual contact with one another. This section is not due to the fact that I don't have a boyfriend and I am bitter. It is due to the fact that I've almost been run over by these couples because they have some magnetic force in their hands, or cannot walk through a door because that doorway is their chosen place of embracing. Watch out for inseparable couple hybrids, such as the inseparable- longboarding couple, or the inseparable-incessant-question-asking couple. Usually this solution takes care of itself, because they tend to break up every 2-3 months, so it's just a matter of time before they latch on to somebody else.

#9- The Starbucks Dweller

The Starbucks dweller is someone who seems to live in the campus Starbucks. They are rarely drinking coffee, and are usually accompanied by nobody and a laptop. As you try to go and get some coffee with some friends, and find a seat in Starbucks, you are stopped by the Starbucks dweller who usually takes it upon themselves to sit at the table with the most amount of seating, so that there are only single-chair tables left. The Starbucks dweller for some reason cannot bear to sit in one of the forty eight thousand other internet available seats on campus, but must park themselves at the biggest table for hours, while usually writing things such as term papers, or a thesis. These people usually have Macs and and they generally like to seem ultra-trendy as they do their work in the campus coffee shop. Can't you go to another Starbucks? Or better yet, the library?The Starbucks dweller is not at Starbucks to receive the caffeine they need to finish an assignment, because they are usually caught drinking some sort of caffeine-free soy chai tea that probably tastes as bad as their dwelling offenses. The Starbucks dweller is usually a part of some kind of literature club (refer to number four), and will pile all their books on the table that only consist of classics such as The Great Gatsby, War and Peace, and Don Quixote. The entirety of these books will most likely be read at the campus Starbucks, where the Starbucks dweller is at its most intelligent. Guarding against the Starbucks dweller can be hard, but can usually be coerced to go to a smaller table if you threaten them with violence and unkind words, as they are usually peace-makers.

#10- Campus Police

Need I say more? The campus police must be the Police Academy rejects (or the police academy incessant question askers). I really don't know what these police do besides ruin everybody's campus existence. Because the parking is taken care of by USF's own breed of heartless officers, the Campus Police seems to do nothing but annoy everybody and flirt with college-aged females. It seems that while the campus police are busy pulling people over for their music being too loud, or a broken headlight, there is some real catastrophe happening that they are simply not there for. They can usually be found at the campus Dunkin Donuts, in their patrol cars sleeping, or in female dominated major buildings, such as elementary education and women's studies. The campus police should not be given a taser gun for the sole purpose of eradicating campus offenders 1-9. Otherwise, they are simply unneeded and a waste of our tax dollars and tuition.

-Erin Glynn